I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Randomize
