Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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