A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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