I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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