Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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