ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
