i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
