i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
