I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
