Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
