That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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