he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
