U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
