Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
