whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
