I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
he fucked my hip out of place.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
