Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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