I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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