is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
