just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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