YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
