i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
