I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I think I won the penis lottery.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
