he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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