After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
