Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Two words: nipple clamps
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
