Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
