i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
