he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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