I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'm too high and old for this...
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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