we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
