I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
