When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
