My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
