I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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