I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Can Purell be used as lube?
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
