Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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