At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
