life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
