Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
