I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
