I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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