there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
