life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
