Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
