they need to just BURY HIM!
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
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