I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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