He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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