2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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