I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
